This week was our first full episode without Clare.
It’s hard to find drama on “The Bachelorette” that feels more manufactured than her and Dale’s love story. But a few men took it upon themselves to fill that gap.
Unable to travel to romantic, far away countries during the pandemic, the producers are leaning heavily on their other favorite crutch to add structure to the season: Gender roles.
Every date during this episode involved some sort of physical challenge. And while Tayshia’s calling card is that she wants a “grown-ass man” for a husband, not a boy, unfortunately for her and for us, the Bachelor resort is crawling with Brads and Chads whose only focus is to be the top dog, not the best man for her.
Yes, it’s par for the course on “The Bachelorette.” But without the extra fluff of geographically themed vacations and weeks of sexual tension, we’re stuck just watching a pissing contest for Instagram followers.
Here’s what went down during week six.
The group date
Jared and Ashley, known for falling in love on “Bachelor in Paradise” and (one of them) sobbing uncontrollably, come to the resort to whip Tayshia’s boys into men. The married couple put the suitors through rigorous tests, like basic math and spelling quizzes. Harvard alum Bennett didn’t do so hot. The guys had loads of fun ragging on him, but this man’s loafer collection without a doubt costs more than I make in a year, so I still give him props.
Tayshia gets his vibe too. “Bennett’s bougie, and I’m bougie,” said the Bachelorette.
Ed was awarded the “man child” of the group and was forced to carry a health class baby doll, which he named Carlos. (I can only assume that’s a reference to “The Hangover.”) Yet our empty-headed Bennett was dubbed the “grown-ass man.” Who says wearing glasses to make you look smart doesn’t work?
Later, Ben and Ivan (who got the date’s rose) made their marks on Tayshia. But himbos Chasen and Ed had a bro-off, fighting over who does leg day at the gym and who is in this for the Instagram followers. Try to follow this logic: Chasen used the same adjectives to describe Tayshia as he did Clare. So Ed, after Chasen called him “chicken legs,” began to suspect that Chasen was only in this for the fame. A feud was born.
The cocktail party
While defending his actions from the previous day, Chasen tried to fix his missteps by giving Tayshia a new descriptor: Smoke show. Ed tattled to Tayshia that Chasen got aggressive and in his face. She had to get involved, you can fill in the blanks. It was a whole thing that didn’t deserve the air time it got, especially when behind-the-scenes photos showed Tayshia having real romantic moments with Joe (the clear standout of the episode), Spencer and Jordan.
Producers, I’m going to need you to release that unseen footage of Joe playing the guitar stat.
Lucky for Tayshia, Zac C. swooped in to show her what a mature relationship is actually like.
The rose ceremony
Unfortunately, Tayshia kept the two drama queens and sent Montel, Peter and Jay packing.
The second group date
Testosterone is a mighty fine poison. Nothing says romance like the guys beating the living s – – t out of each other. In a cage. On TV. “It’s a girl’s dream,” said Tayshia. Show me one girl who dreams of a date like this.
The guys were paired up to pound each other senseless while Chris Harrison and Bachelor Nation favorite Wells Adams (Hi, Wells!) narrated. Though WWE stars were present, the fights weren’t fake: Ben and Jordan bled.
Shocker: Chasen and Ed were pitted against each other. But oh no! Right before they had to step into the ring, Ed remembered that both his shoulders were dislocated. Oldest trick in the book, my boy. But Chasen, who had called himself “Wolverine” at least six times now, needed someone to rip to shreds. So Noah, who was acting as a spectator, jumped the fence, pulled off his shirt and got ready to rumble.
Tayshia invited all the guys, including Noah and his mustache, for an after-party. While the other men forged deep connections with their could-be-bride, date crasher Noah snuck away to steal a razor from the bathroom. He had Tayshia do the honors and shave his stubble off.
Sweet Ben tried to pull her aside, but it was too late: The night was over, and the rose went to Noah.
Prediction
This season is taking a while to pick up. Though we’re almost two months in, it seems like we’re still at the start because of the Bachelorette switch-up. Next week, Tayshia needs to drop the dead weight guys and start getting serious, or I’m going to start recapping another show.