Last night’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht was a battle for the most annoying egos. Starting with charter guest Lyndi, whose voice had a fabricated squeakiness I assume she thinks is cute and charming, but actually sounds like a five-year-old in Suzuki violin lessons. Then there was Adam Glick. Someone please just drop him in a barren wasteland, far from any females for the remainder of his days.
Lyndi is on this trip with her boyfriend Jesse, who she decidedly does not love. Maybe she did love him until she tasted Adam… Adam’s food that is. It’s probably that Lyndi mostly eschews calories, so being around the decadence of Adam’s cooking which contain *gasp* fat grams has her in a state of arousal.
After arguing with Jesse at dinner because she won’t stop openly hitting on Adam, Lyndi and her pal sneak down to the galley to harass him. Jenna MacGillivray is standing right there, watching as these OC wannabe Barbies throw themselves at him. Adam always seems like he smells like grease and fish – uck.
Of course Jesse is hot on their tails and interrupts. He is a hanger-on for sure. Also incredibly weirdly desperate. I should probably feel sorry for a man who prostrates himself upon the rigid, hard plastic extended arm of a wannabe living representation of the unbending Mattel doll. But, alas, I don’t. Ken Dolls never interested me. They were always hovering in the background, with their menacingly vacant dead-eyed grins and useless groins, ready to ruin Barbie’s fun with their oppressive need to seem included.
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Anyway, Lyndi don’t wanna be Jesse’s girl. She wants to be Adam’s.
The next day all the vloggers are still giggling about how cute Adam is when Jenna interrupts to warn them that he’s taken by her. Doesn’t that cross some sort of professional boundaries? The whole thing is just ridiculous. Although not as ridiculous as Jenna and Adam dry humping in the galley while Madison Stalker is trying to organize food for the guests. UGH.
Meanwhile, everyone is conspiring to get Georgia Grobler away from Paget Berry by throwing new deckhand Chris Miller at her. They want to save Paget from himself! From his tender fledgling sexuality being decimated by this evil medusa with the intoxicating voice leading him into a sea of sin. Ciara Duggan is more wily then she appears, however!
Georgia is down for flirting with Chris. Either because she just loves a good romp in the flirtation pond, or hopes to make Paget jealous by twisting the knife into his tender spots with a baptism by fire that adults are free to behave as licentious as they wish so he doesn’t have to ask Mummy Ciara for permission. Or maybe she’s just always wanted a fish foot pedicure? Madison feels rejected. Here she is, once again, the odd ball out.
After learning that Jenna has never received flowers, and that if she did she would cry (what doesn’t Jenna cry over with regards to men?), Adam requests that Paget jetty him to the beach so he can forage for wild flowers to surprise her. This is the optimum in romantic for Adam and he gets a sharp reminder of why he shouldn’t bother. As he’s running onto the sand he literally smacks his head on this branch strewn across two boulders. Somebody needs to practice their limbo game a little more! Alas, smacking his face did not knock any sense into Adam.
The plan for the evening is a ‘music festival’ on the beach for dessert. The music will consist of Georgia, accompanied by Paget kneeling by her side. A predicament they both better get used to. The festival also includes a few collapsable lawn chairs, a string of LED Christmas lights, and Adam cooking bananas over a fire. The finale is another man kneeling at the feet of a woman who will reject him by slicing off his head with a dagger-shaped finger nail.
Either because she doesn’t want Madison around, or she’s seeking another opportunity to see her fail, or maybe Madison is still being punished for daring to question Adam The God, Jenna sends her to the beach to set up again. This time with Chris‘ help. Jenna is super impressed with how everything looks.
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Chris is a total 180 from Parker McCown. Namely because he knows what he’s doing and he takes direction well. Unlike Parker’s constant tantrums and pouting. Chris is seasoned, experienced, and happy-go-lucky. I aways felt man-baby Parker wasn’t as ‘love and light’ as he professed. He hid his rage way better than Adam, but it was still there. Chris just needs to hide his British teeth. He won’t provide any controversy, though, unless he asks Georgia to go a’courtin, which means all the drama will continue to fall at Madison’s feet.
I feel bad for Madison. I think she’s sweet-natured, but lacks coping skills and maturity. She needs a lot of coddling. Jenna is only coddling ragemonic man-babies cross-bred with Godzillas who want to nip raw flesh from the bone, season it with wild ramps, and call it dinner. Or maybe sex…
Alas the beach party bonanza was a night of rejection.
First there was Ciara. Who openly stewed as Paget and Georgia serenaded the guests. Paget stared adoringly up at Georgia as she sang literally THE ONLY song she appears to have ever written for the 300th time this season. It’s a nice song, but I was expecting some sort of original score by GeorGet. Something a little Donny & Marie with the F-Word tossed in. Also a minstrel. Possibly Chris whipping out an accordion and Adam fashioning a drum from fish skin stretched over a large conch shell and beat with his favorite bludgeoning stick and the bones of a mastodon he killed for its fur. You know, just a few friends playing music on the beach!
Then there is Jesse, who, inspired by the crooning of Georgia and Paget, decides to impromptu propose to Lyndi. He doesn’t have a ring, so Jenna loans him one of hers. Lyndi completely rejects him! Her friends don’t even think it’s serious and proceed to talk and laugh through the entire thing, waving their iPhones around into the dark on the Concert Lighter app. Lyndi probably said no because even with the pretty filter she didn’t look radiant enough in the proposal footage. Jesse doesn’t actually seem that crushed.
Afterwards Lyndi takes him aside and chastises him for trying to get above his station, then makes him sit at her feet like a lap dog until she orders him to fetch her a Bananas Fosters from Adam’s manly, muscly hands that have touched fire for her happiness.
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Jenna is less impressed with what Adam’s hands can do. Back on board he hands her the flowers and she barely reacts. After half-heartedly thanking him, she picked up her phone. Adam’s robot personality immediately set in. The one he gets when anyone rejects him or questions him in the slightest. He transitions from a man whose mouth is capable of a smile, even if his eyes never are, to a man who sulks and glowers and plots his revenge. This guy is creepier by the second.
The next day the guests depart and leave a crappy tip. Of course they do. They’re influencers: all pretense and appearance, no substance. Plus they’d probably only tip well if FabFitFun was sponsoring this trip and handed them the cash. Plus a $1234698230985 bundle of extra air fresheners and leave-in conditioners no one ever knew they wanted that have been lost in the Amazon warehouse since 2002.
Captain Glenn Shephard could not have been more impressed with how the charter went. Namely that he didn’t have to involve himself in any crew disputes. There are two charters remaining and he wants to see them really turn it up. Which presumably means more crooning by Paget! Aka him tearing hs shirt off and bellowing “GEORGIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAA” from the mast, as Ciara stares on impassively, frozen smile on her face, pretending their relationship is totally hot and sexy.
That night Ciara asks Paget on a date. Proving she means romance, Ciara even wears the exact same outfit as Georgia: high waisted jeans with a black lace bra top under an open denim jacket. Paget doesn’t seem to notice Ciara’s attempt at sex appeal. Instead he invites Jenna and Adam along to double-date. Adam is barely speaking to Jenna. He’s emotionally punishing her for some unknown reason and she’s tripping over herself to make it ‘better.’ Jenna, girl – get yourself one of those online counselors and figure out WHY you are so willing to run headlong into an emotionally abusive relationship with a dickwad who’s showing every and all signs that he’s going to shatter your soul if you laugh at a joke he doesn’t approve of.
Meanwhile at the very same restaurant, but across the patio, Georgia, Chris, Madison and Byron Hissey are enjoying a double-not date, and Madison is pissed. Watching Georgia and Chris flirt she becomes increasingly mired in self-pity. At one point randomly annoying to no one that she’ll sit there alone being ugly. When Byron tries to figure out what’s going on, Madison storms away from the table. Also in the middle of his ‘date’ Paget comes over to check-in on Georgia and take a shot with her.
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Afterwards they head to a dance club where Adam glowers until Jenna takes him home. Paget dances with Georgia then watches, pained and heart-struck, as she dances with Chris. Madison sulks, then storms off early. No one can really figure out what’s going on with her mood. As the rest of the crew returns to the boat, Georgia reveals that Madison’s sister was murdered which obviously threw her life into a tailspin. So that put a further damper on the evening.
Back on board Paget and Ciara have sex, aka, hug in bed with their clothes on while Paget pets her head and imagines that Georgia’s hair must feel like a silky mane instead of a sea sponge.
Jenna convinces Adam to sleep in the master again. After they have “amazing sex” (according to him) she asks him why he’s acting so distantly. Adam snaps and accuses her of ruining a great moment, then threatens to leave. Jenna tries to calm him down and get him to talk to her by confessing that she loves him. WHYYYYYYY? Of course this is all about the flowers. Seemingly out of nowhere Adam brings up that Jenna didn’t appreciate his beach flowers.
According to the lore of Adam he went all out to get them. He added extra hours to his day, he sleepwalked onto the beach. He bribed trolls guarding the bridge to the field of eternal weeds with sacred cans of Pringles, smuggled from the far-flung lands of America and hidden under his chefs pantaloons. He had to use his crocs to fight a seaweed monster which curled around his legs as he attempted to storm the beaches. Then he was forced to use those same crocs as a boat to sail back home. All the while cradling these precious flowers, protected in an empty jam jar, imagining the look of love and adoration on Jenna’s face. The tears that would stream from her eyes. She would throw herself at his feet like a Paget to a Georgia. But it was all for nothing. Jenna, like all women, don’t understand his greatness; his glory. They see him as a sex slave.
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Jenna can’t even appreciate his flowers though so there’s no way Adam’s going to confess his undying love and devotion. Actually the flowers probably were his way of saying I love you since he has the emotional wherewithal of a toddler. These two suck!!
TELL US – IS ADAM OVER-REACTING OR WAS JENNA UNAPPRECIATIVE? DO GEORGIA AND CHRIS MAKE A CUTE COUPLE OR IS SHE STILL INTERESTED IN PAGET?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]