This post is an excerpt from nonbinary author Ginelle Testa’s book Make a Home out of You, which will be released by She Writes Press on September 3, 2024. Testa spent their adolescence searching for a home in one destructive place after another and grappling with addiction – to sex, love, weight loss, drugs, and alcohol – before finding a way to claw themselves up from rock bottom to find a joyful home within themselves. Their triumphant new book is a riveting true story of making the slow, confusing, and surprisingly funny slog back from the brink.
Three days into our texting, Penny texted me a few hours before we were supposed to meet at the beach.
I’m nervous. 🙂 but excited to meet you.
Are you allowed to say that? I wondered. That you’re nervous? I raised my eyebrows when I read her text because I was never that open with my feelings. I kinda liked it because being vulnerable meant just being honest, and in my few experiences being honest, I’d felt that saying the truth out loud was like opening a pressure-release valve. The muscles in my jaw loosened as I began to type. I guessed I could be honest, too.
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I’m nervous, too. And excited!
The whole drive there, I wanted to jump out of my seat and do a dance. I could feel my smile overtaking my face, and I blasted “Love on Top” by Beyoncé to help keep my mood elevated. I bopped my head as I thought, I can’t wait to meet her. I hoped she wouldn’t be scared away when she found out I was a baby queer. My sexual experiences with women had so far been limited to drunken kissing late at night and then never talking about it again.
Penny and I met at a beach between our hometowns around 4:00 p.m. on a weekday. It was April, not quite warm enough for summer clothes, so I was bundled in a sweatshirt. When I pulled up, I saw Penny in her gold Pontiac already there and just sitting waiting for me. My stomach whirled. We both got out and had giant grins. The spring New England winds whipped around us as we leaned in for a hug.
Penny smelled like Old Spice, which I knew was a scent men often wear. I liked it and noted that her appearance matched the men’s cologne. She wore an orange tee that hugged her thin frame, showing off her flat stomach and almost flat boobs. Her hair was tied up with athletic wrap, and she wore loose jeans that a guy might wear. I leaned in further, and our hug lasted for a few seconds.
“Wanna walk on the beach?” She gestured toward the ocean.
“Yeah.” I smiled, stepped in front of her, and scrunched my face with joy when I knew she couldn’t see my expression. Our feet made imprints in the sand while we walked together and started talking.
“You know, it surprised me that you told me you were nervous.” I laughed and turned around to face her while walking backward.
“Yeah? Why is that?” she chuckled, her soft green eyes meeting mine.
“Because, I don’t know. Aren’t we supposed to be playing it cool or something?” I let out a few awkward giggles before she cracked up.
“You don’t have to do that with me.” She beamed.
“I guess I’ve always tried to play it cool, but it feels kind of good to just be me,” I said. A deep breath came out of my mouth, and I chuckled. How was this happening? Penny nodded and stopped walking.
My laughter settled, and I noticed that without a spot of makeup, she looked perfect. I swallowed hard. Oh my god, this girl was too good to be true.
“Wanna sit down?” She motioned to the sand.
“Yeah.” I was still kind of trying to be cool, but I was trembling.
We planted our butts on the ground, and I let the grainy sand run through my fingertips, trying to avoid looking at her because I was nervous. Her shoulder brushed up against mine, and we let our shoulders stay connected.
“This is my first date with a girl,” I blurted out. My shoulders tightened. I hoped she wouldn’t run away. There was a pause. I’ve done it, I thought. I’ve scared Penny away.
“No worries,” she said, smiling. “That doesn’t matter to me.”
My shoulders dropped, and my breathing steadied. Well, here goes nothing, I thought as I leaned my head on her shoulder. Her hand slowly glided over to mine, and she laced her fingers through mine. The softness of her skin made me want to become the ocean with her, waves kissing and flowing into one another.
We chatted for a few hours, getting to know each other, then, smiling gently, she said, “Tell me about what it’s been like coming out.”
“It’s been great for the most part. I haven’t told my parents yet, though. I was waiting until I met someone…”
“Gotcha.” Penny hadn’t stopped smiling the whole time we were together. Neither had I. We looked at each other under the moonlight when she leaned in and planted her soft lips on mine. I tried not to freak out, as I was still nervous, so I didn’t use my tongue.
“Wow,” I said, pulling away for a moment. “It’s really nice to do that sober.”
“I get it, honestly. I kissed girls while drinking before I realized I was gay.”
“No way!” I felt relieved. “When did you come out?”
“Only two years ago, when I was seventeen.”
Penny was a year older than me, and I started to relax, knowing she had a similar history. This was miraculous. For the first time ever, I felt hope about being with someone who wasn’t a guy.
Penny was gentle, soft, sweet, and actually doing something with her life—going to school and working. Plus, she was a girl. A girl!
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