Christmas is the time of year that everyone gathers around the TV and partakes in wacky Christmas capers or sickly-sweet Christmas romance (I think some people worship and spend time with loved ones, but I was raised Jewish. We went to the movies and watched TV). Personally, I never got into Christmas movies (probably the aforementioned Jewish thing), but it could be because they are all about emotion and not enough killing.
To combat that, I have selected some of my top Christmas episodes from horror television!
Some may contain a healthy dose of heartwarming capering, but only after a thick coat of Christmas blood…
The X-Files – “How the Ghosts Stole Christmas”
This Christmas classic sees Mulder luring Scully into a ghost hunt on Christmas Eve. According to his tale, a pair of lovers killed themselves in the house so they could be together forever, and they return on Christmas Eve to lure in lovers – or platonic partners – to join their ghastly ranks. Lily Tomlin and Ed Asner are unforgettable as the ghostly lovers, and the episode ends with Scully showing up at Mulder’s apartment in the middle of the night to exchange Christmas presents. Like platonic partners do.
Dexter – “Truth Be Told”
Dexter isn’t the kind of show that makes a big deal out of Christmas, but in this first season episode, the season’s serial killer (the one who isn’t Dexter) does make a big deal out of the season. The Ice Truck Killer hums Christmas carols while wrapping body parts with festive ribbons, then he leaves them amongst gifts beneath a Christmas tree in a holiday display. Santa got my letter!
Grimm – “The Twelve Days of Krampus”
There is a rash of hooligans stealing Christmas gifts in Seattle. This sounds like a job for Krampus! As with traditional folklore, Krampus beats hooligans with sticks, carries them away in his sack, and hangs them from the tallest tree in the forest, to be eaten on the Solstice. In Grimm, Krampus (Derek Mears) turns out to be a fairytale monster just a few days a year – then he returns to being an average, middle-aged man who blacks out for most of December.
American Horror Story: Asylum – “Unholy Night”
AHS is a fucked up show, and their Christmas episode is no exception. The focus is on Leigh, played gleefully evil by Ian McShane. He was sent to jail for petty theft, and while there, was raped by five other inmates while a guard stood nearby, humming Christmas carols. When Leigh was finally released from prison, he shot a corner Santa, stole his costume, and went on a Christmas Eve killing spree, murdering eighteen people from five different families over the course of one night. While at the Briarcliff Asylum, Lee goes crazy during the Christmas party and rips out an orderly’s throat with his teeth. This earns him time in the hole, and for the next Christmas party, with the evil Sister Mary Eunice in charge, things go from bad to bloody.
Supernatural – “A Very Supernatural Christmas”
In the only true Christmas episode of the long-running show, “A Very Supernatural Christmas” actually opens with the logo that used to denote “very special” episodes. People are disappearing around Christmastime, and witnesses claim to see them disappearing up the chimney. Sam first theorizes that it is an “anti-Claus,” Santa’s shady brother. Then they discover they are dealing with a Pagan god who is drawn to a plant called meadowsweet, which is used in specialty wreaths. Naturally, the only way to kill it is with the most Christmasy of weapons: an evergreen stake. The Winchester brothers kill the god with a Christmas tree.
Tales From the Crypt – “And All Through the House”
This early episode of Tales From the Crypt opens with a woman killing her husband with a fireplace poker on Christmas Eve. She is busy trying to get rid of the body when an escaped mental patient – dressed in a Santa costume – shows up, looking for more victims. The woman narrowly avoids getting her head chopped off by slicing up Santa’s face with an icicle and knocking him unconscious with his own axe. She finally thinks she is safe… but her daughter has seen Santa climbing up the outside of the house and, well, she has to help Santa….
Chilling Adventures of Sabrina – “Chapter Eleven: A Midwinter’s Tale”
The Spellman family celebrates Winter Solstice, not Christmas, but since everything about Christmas is taken from Pagan myths, they are practically the same thing. Rather than the traditional Krampus as the horror Christmas monster, Sabrina goes with Bartel, a different version of Krampus, who steals the souls of children and seals them in wax figures. We also meet the Yule Lads, ghosts of Icelandic folklore who haunt the Spellman family. They summon the Lads’ mother, Gryla, via séance, to collect them, and along the way she fights Bartel.
Tales From the Darkside – “Seasons of Belief”
Instead of a tale about goodwill towards men, a pair of parents tell their children the story of the Grither. He lives near Santa in a cold, wet cave and above all else, you must never utter his name. Saying his name causes the Grither’s ears to double in size, making it easier to hunt you down and eat you. He even has his own song. The kids are certain the tale is false, yet they are still scared, and the parents taunt them, speculating that the Grither is drawing ever closer. There is a knock at the door, terrifying the children – but it is just Uncle Mike. The door opens again, this time from the wind, according to mother… but then big, powerful arms grab at the parents. The Grither is here. Beware the Grither.