Last night the Real Housewives Of Orange County tried to have a Pretty Woman moment by taking the distressed and disorganized Gina Kirschenheiter to Rodeo Drive for a makeover, but it ended in tears, tantrums, and tales of trains gone wrong!
I do not FOR ONE SECOND believe the rumor that Kelly Dodd did a train (is that even how you say it?) of 8 guys. I also refuse to look up the proper terminology for “train,” because I did that last week and now I’m getting some suspicious GoogleAds. So thank you Vicki Gunvalson for once again ruining things for everyone.
The most shocking thing about the Trains, Cars, and Terrible Friends saga is that moments after making this proclamation that she knows something very, very terrible about Kelly, Vicki skips out when the rest of the women head to a bar. Vicki pass up free tequila? HUH?
In the car, the remaining women vow to never discuss it publicly. “It lies here it dies here,” Gina proclaims in her best drag John Gotti impression, apparently forgetting they are mic’d in a car hired by Bravo! (eye roll). They also THOUGHT everyone was in agreement to never tell, but as soon as they were out of earshot Braunwyn Windham-Burke called Kelly. Braunwyn has done her research on how to get attention on Real Housewives is new to this here rodeo.
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Of course the worst thing about all of this is that although Vicki intimated that she knows something and implicated Shannon Beador, it was Tamra Judge who actually said the words, “What, the train?” and brought it all to light. Tamra pretended to be SO upset about Kelly’s reputation being destroyed, but as soon as humanly possible Tamra started reframing the narrative to completely blame Shannon and Vicki. This time, blessedly (since Tamra is all about the faith!) producers aren’t letting Tamra get away it and shone a hard, cold spotlight illuminating how she is to blame.
12 Hours Later …Shannon and Tamra meet for a hike to discuss how to fend off Mountain Lions (A: stop being friends with Tamra) and what a disaster Gina is. Tamra decides Shannon needs to ‘bond’ with Gina over nasty divorces, so Shannon decides to plan a fun girls day in LA introducing Gina to Rodeo Drive. Kelly will only attend if Vicki isn’t invited, but Vicki is probably hawking insurance in Des Moines, IA that day and screaming about MULTIPLE PARTNERS protection at a some convention center that now needs a new sound system. No offense Iowa – you’re a wonderful place with wonderful people and I’m sorry if Vicki ever Mountain Lion’d you.
Meanwhile Gina and Kelly meet at Bruanwyn’s where 375 kids are milling around, like cats, reminding me of Hoarders, and Gina starts dropping F-bombs describing how disorganized she is. Now in addition to losing her license and her passport, Gina’s lost the house keys, and her friendship with Kelly. Kelly is playing nice as they joke about how to handle the latest Vicki rumor. Kelly is presenting like she’s not angry because there is absolutely no truth to it and dismissing Vicki as evil, but secretly Kelly is furious that Gina didn’t tell her – that none of her friends did – and only Braunwyn a woman she met last week at Bravo production’s insistence had the good graces to let her know.
Braunwyn doesn’t care that the other women will be mad for breaking the pact of silence. “I’d rather be a bitch that starts shit,” she shrugs, affably. I’m liking this woman — even though I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her. But better be a likable bitch than a Tamra The Terrible!
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Um, just a thought, can’t Gina have a few of those word art signs with reminders that say like “Keys to My Home” (with a heart for the “O” obviously), or, “KEYS to success start with opening the door!” Or how about, most importantly: “Adulting Time”.
What Kelly resents most though is that Gina, a woman who can’t even figure out how to buy a dryer from HomeDepot.com, is giving her advice on how to handle Vicki. If Kelly wants to send an Animoji calling Vicki a pig and have Jolie edit it for content clarity she damn-well will!
Gina really is having the roughest time. Now her daughter may have some developmental delays because she can’t write her name in PreK. Matt is still living in LA and isn’t really involved other than coming to the errant doctor’s appointment; leaving Gina to handle all the day-to-day stuff. Which is INCREDIBLY scary, considering. Instead of a shopping spree, Shannon ought to treat Gina to a nanny and a life coach!
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At least Gina is seeing a counselor. That’s one bright spot! In counseling Gina realizes she can no longer keep protecting Matt by keeping his secrets at the expense of herself. Drowning in lies is like a poison in her body and she’s been trying to fight poison with poison (booze; friendship with Tamra… ). Gina needs a sign that reads, “I’ve been to jail, I’ve been to Rodeo Drive, but I’ve never been to meeeeee…” (you know you’ve heard that annoying 70’s self-empowerment song on one of those Hits Of The Decade mixes).
Equally sad, but getting less help is Emily Simpson. Oh, Emily… Denial is a grotto in Coto! Emily planned a 10th anniversary trip to Vegas with Shane to surprise him by appearing in a dance review for something called Sexxxy. Which is apparently a generic Pussycat Dolls, and in a hotel owned by Jackie Siegel. Well that should be an EZEperience if Jackie’s time on Below Deck Mediterranean was any indication!
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Unfortunately for Emily and her excitement about celebrating body positivity, Shane won’t come on the trip so now Emily is literally performing for herself… and Braunwyn and Kelly who vow to come in support. You know Kelly only agreed after leaning one of the dance moves is called a “circle jerk”. Things always really do come FULL CIRCLE on Real Housewives of Orange County!
Emily’s unraveling is directly related to her marriage disintegrating. She hasn’t spoken to Shane in 10 days while he’s been holed up in a hotel “studying.” Seriously – not even a text! OK, Emily, you’re an attorney. Who should know about exculpable evidence! Time to hire a PI.
Instead Emily focuses on confronting a second-hand rumor – started by Jeff Lewis‘ radio show of all places! – that Shannon said Emily and Gina should be fired. Instead of reaching out to Shannon (cause that would’ve worked out well), Emily went straight to Twitter to snark on Shannon gaining 40lbs of jealousy and boring us all to death with frozen fish. #FrozenFishIsRiveting. Well it’s not riveting unless you stuff it full of cream cheese, hopes, and dreams! Shannon is livid. Especially since she actually told Jeff she was getting along with Gina and Emily.
Tamra and Gina grab lunch to discuss the problem of Emily, and instead of defending her friend as going through a rough time, Gina laughs with Tamra about how unacceptable Emily’s outburst is. Tamra really needs to get off her sanctimonious high horse and stop with telling people the appropriate way to behave. Her latest act of hypocrisy is to complain that going on social media to attack someone is so not OK. Really?!
With Emily coming along on the Rodeo Drive day Tamra sniffs that she smells trouble. That’s her uneaten white fish. Or the shit coming out of her mouth. #FrozenFaithIsRiveting.
Shannon’s outing doesn’t feature a helicopter to LA ala Heather Dubrow, but that’s a good thing because in a helicopter no one would get to hear Emily shade Shannon in Spanish. No comprende! No, No my llama not Shannon STORMS.
On the bus to LA they pass Whiskey-A-G0-Go where Braunwyn was “raised” during her mother’s late 70’s stint in a band. Braunwyn recalls sleeping in the managers office at aged 4, taking baths in a bucket, and eating breakfast at a table covered in cocaine. So basically Braunwyn and Jolie were living the same life? KIIIIIIDING, obviously!
This is why Braunwyn so desperately needs to be needed by her children. This is why she has her identity wrapped up in motherhood, but at the precipice of becoming a sexy Michelle Duggar or finally confronting her childhood traumas to become an independent woman; Braunwyn decided to send her kids and husband to Beaver Creek for their annual vacation, and stay behind in OC to focus on her book. So now we see the second reason Braunwyn has joined Real Housewives Of Orange County – it wasn’t just to change the image of dance moms! (Seriously though don’t you think Braunwyn was probably a really sneaky, underhanded, psycho dance momager?)
As the family ships off in the Minivan XL, Braunwyn is left in the kitchen; staring into her cup of coffee and feeling, for the first time since childhood, oh-so alone and vulnerable. Time to join a rock band and sing the blues!
But back to Rodeo, the first stop is Kyle By AleneToo – oh, hahahahahaha! Whoops never mind – some other store, then! It’s time to makeover Gina from the outside in! Gina scores an $800 outfit on David’s AmEx as payment for confessing Matt’s affair. Basically this is emotional prostitution and Shannon is Gina’s pimp.
Leave it to Tamra to try and ruin everyone’s good time by mocking Shannon for wearing Spanx under the jeans she’s trying on and snarking that Shannon’s legs look like sausages. A food NOT featured in Shannon’s QVC collection! But Shannon will not be deterred: last year she was wearing 3 pairs of Spanx simultaneously and almost made it into the Guiness Book of World Record for layering shape wear, now she’s down to ONE. And one is the loneliest number that there ever was – just ask Emily who starts crying in the middle of the store about how alone and disconnected she feels, until she needs to be taken outside by Gina for a chat. Emily is able to open up to Gina abut all the problems with Shane, but she’s keeping the other women in the dark and instead lashing out in the worst ways. She knows she’s messed up with Shannon and feels bad, but she also feels so lost, listless, and alone.
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Shannon seethes that Emily is making everything about her instead of making everything about how she didn’t text Shannon to apologize for the tweet. Obviously Tamra is there to reaffirm Shannon’s selfishness and rage are justified. I mean, COME ON. They know Emily is obviously an emotional wreck – just as Shannon has been for the past 3 seasons – can’t they just reach out to her with compassion and empathy. What do I think I’m watching? Hallmark Channel?
Over lunch Emily keeps leaving the table to “fix her contact” (aka cry) while Shannon and Tamra complain. Finally Kelly snaps that obviously Emily is going through a rough time at home so they should cut her a little slack. I love Kelly when she’s a good friend, but Kelly is all extremes. Unlike Tamra who is all evils and has obviously been spinning Shannon up to try and force a division between Gina and Emily. Shannon, away from Tamra, can still have some moments of clarity, and who better than anyone to know about putting on a happy face for a bad marriage?!
Finally Emily apologizes for the tweet and acknowledges that she should’ve reached out to Shannon instead of lashing out on social media. Instead of being gracious the NEW SHANNON explodes like an overcooked frozen dinner over Emily “attacking” her two biggest accomplishments: weight loss and frozen fish.
I don’t know why Emily did the next thing – maybe to take attention away from herself? – but immediately after soothing things over with Shannon she brings up the train rumor, which Gina told her about. Emily is shocked because when they were shopping Vicki said she wanted to stop the mud-slinging with with Kelly. Kelly isn’t mad about the ridiculous rumor, so much as she’s livid that her so-called friends never let her know what was being said.
When Kelly storms away from the table to call Jolie (who it turns out also knows about this rumor. Sigh – Kelly. NO), Tamra follows, not to see if Kelly’s OK as she claims, but to plant the seed that Shannon and Vicki are to blame. According to Tamra, they were responsible for telling Kelly. Shannon must know what’s happening because she races out after Tamra. Kelly pretends she agrees with Shannon’s reasoning for not bringing it up, and returns to the table where she explodes on Gina who tries, again, to give her advice on how to handle the situation.
Kelly doesn’t want advice from a “disaster” and snaps that Gina is bugging her. Kelly literally tells Gina to Shut the F- Up. Braunwyn hides in her napkin, hoping to avoid everyone’s wrath, while Tamra secretly smirks into hers. Maybe breaking Gina and Emily up won’t work, but perhaps she can split of Gina and Kelly instead. Tamra’s phony AF responsible citizen act is far more grating than anything Gina does!
TELL US – DO YOU THINK SHANNON SHOULD’VE TOLD KELLY? IS SHANNON BEING NASTY TO EMILY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]